Porn [Part 3] Healing from porn for the Next Generation-Back To Lion Heart Purity

It’s amazing to me that in many cultures, parents make no effort to provide healthy sexual education for their children while young, yet somehow expect them to have healthy, godly sexuality as grownups.

What is pure, healthy, sexuality? Never masturbating? Never lusting? Never watching porn? Never having sex until you’re married?

God bless those of you who have been perfectly blameless in sexual areas, but the rest of us haven’t always gotten straight A’s. Thankfully, there are answers for those of us who have flunked one test or even an entire grade.

Let me be straight up: I don’t use the “I have never committed this physical sin gauge,” to judge purity. I can abstain from manifesting external sin for the rest of my life and still be vilely impure. Purity comes from the pure One. Don’t try to find it in any other place. It’s not real. It won’t last.

Just saying…the person you judged for messing up may be closer to the pearly gates than you. Those who are sick need a Physician.

Repent, be saved, and be healed. It’s the gospel. Some of us saved people need it pretty badly.

Funny how we can “do” so many right things, but still be defiled in our hearts. Funny how we can be married on the outside, but divorced on the inside. Funny how you can point a finger at someone was caught having sex with his girlfriend, yet you can go home to masturbate, but come Sunday morning, you’re at church in time to watch bad boyfriend and girlfriend be publicly rebuked. You actually feel pretty holy! We are vilely deceived to live this way!

I have cried many times at the lack of discernment and reality seen in the body of Christ.

Many issues will remain issues as long as they are labeled “inappropriate.” Face it, everyone deals with “inappropriate” at some time or another in their life. Be honest. It’s a start.

Wouldn’t it be a blessing to have the freedom to confide in a loving pastor or friend and say, “Bro, this is what I’m struggling with. Can you pray for me?” Wouldn’t be a blessing if that friend or pastor looked you in the eye and said, “Son, I love you. You are not condemned. You are not shamed. You are pure. You just don’t know it yet.”

Wouldn’t it be a blessing if that pastor or friend would lovingly lay his hand on you and pray for the Holy Spirit to come wreck you with His love? Wouldn’t it be a blessing for that friend or pastor to cry and sob with you for the wounds you have suffered at the hands of the enemy? Wouldn’t it be a blessing to have that pastor or friend walk with you as Jesus restores you?

Wouldn’t it be a blessing for that pastor or friend to love and accept you and always treat you the same no matter how many times you mess up?


Let me just tell you that this lifestyle bears fruit! Love always hopes, always trusts, and always perseveres. Love never fails.

And let me also tell you: if a pastor or friend has never treated you in this godly manner, Jesus is your ultimate Pastor and Friend. He is perfect.

We shouldn’t have to fear being back stabbed because of our vulnerability. The church is scared of words like porn, sex, prostitute, ass (…as in a donkey. That one always makes me laugh) etc. because it just isn’t appropriate. I agree, there needs to be wisdom. But these are real issues that can’t be ignored. If they are, they will end up destroying us.

Could it be that in our effort to be discreet and sober in a set apart lifestyle that passionate righteousness was left in the shadows? If you aren’t open about real problems and real answers, problems rot and get worse. That is why I am not scared to say words like sex. God made sex. Sex is good. So there. Go wash your eyes out if you didn’t like reading that. 🙂

I know I could get slammed for saying this, but stop running from your sexuality. Embrace your sexuality. I don’t mean act out your sexuality impurely. I said embrace the sexuality that God made you with. It is whole. It is perfect. You may have let the lust and lies of the enemy distort your sexuality, but there is a diamond under the rust. Embrace it. Ask God to protect it. Don’t hide it under a rug. It’s not bad. It’s holy when God restores it. God’s design in you is perfect. Embrace your “yes” to God, and your “no” to Satan will become natural.

I know I was speaking to adults so far, but we aren’t automatically sexual adults. We were first children.

Why are we surprised when kids found out the answers they badly wish they could ask their parents elsewhere? Why do we scold our children when they confess something “naughty” they did in the closet with another child?

Why are we surprised when curious children experiment and then begin to introduce others to their discoveries? Why are we surprised when victims grow up to victimize? Why are we surprised when boys masturbate from puberty up? Why are we surprised when girls feel dirty and grow up to search for security in a man’s attention?

I have issues with the amount of shame and secrecy around sexual topics. Waiting until the wedding day to tell your daughter or son how it’s done? Give me a break. Maybe some perfect children turned out well without a hitch, but I have rarely seen any good come out of a sheltered view of the birds and bees.

Condemning the bad does not empower children to wait for the good. In fact, it usually inspires curiosity. Empower children towards purity with Presence, example, and honor. Live in freedom so exuberantly that holy sexual design becomes a mantel to hold up and run for with zeal.

Empowerment through relationship, example, and most importantly being consumed by the Holy Spirit is crucial to healthy sexuality.

There is no shame in being male or female.

I urge you all to give your children honest, sexual education. Give them real facts and real terms before they come to you with questions if possible. By then it may already be too late.

If you have an open, trust relationship with your kids about other life issues, it shouldn’t stop at sexual education.

There should be no shame. Shame breeds sin, not abstinence. Shame gives a feeling of condemnation and guilt.There needs to be honor, but not shame and secrets.

One definition of respect is reverence. Doesn’t that make more sense? Reverence gives a feeling of awe and holiness. Sexuality is a gift God created. Shame and guilt should never be associated with God or sexual design.

There is freedom where God’s Spirit is. Ask him to bring freedom to your home and to your children. Be willing to introduce God’s design with honesty and respect. They will respect you for it, especially later as adults.

Sex is not bad. Pleasure is not bad. Explain to your kids God’s fun and exhilarating plan for marriage. It needs to be talked about and lived.

Teach them about their bodies. They may run off and play as if you just told them about the weather, but if you instill in them that their sexuality/their bodies are good and precious, that reality will stick like glue and help empower them into responsible, honorable adulthood.

Don’t let your fear of an awkward conversation scare you. 🙂

They need to hear the truth. Let them hear it from you. Let them see that mommy and daddy love each other. Be mushy in front of them. (To a degree. 😉 ) One day they will want to love someone the way you do. They will recognize the sexual part of that and respect you for loving each other openly. Open affection brings security to a home.

Kids are so cool. They know little about the world when they enter it. If they learn from you first, in a safe environment, about healthy, godly sexuality, they will retain that information, and they will desire to glorify God even with their little bodies. Healthy education does not destroy innocence. Ignorance does.

It’s not a wee wee or a peanut. It’s a penis. Spare me. 🙂 Some of this is/may just be my opinion, but I believe that where there is respectful openness about sexuality and our body’s design and functions, bondage is minimized to an incredible degree.

It doesn’t have to be done exactly how I think. Parents are unique, and each person has the ability to hear from God on these issues. But please do indeed learn His heart, even if it’s different than how you were taught. (or not taught)

You don’t have to tell them everything at once. Ask God for wisdom and timing. But be willing to follow through with it. Give your kids a better chance than you had.

God didn’t create porn, and God didn’t create lust. These things are not good. But they still need to be talked about because they are real issues today. If leaders don’t offer hope- real answers for real issues openly, sin will continue secretly. The fear has to leave. The healing has to begin.

If the Holy Spirit isn’t given release in the church and in your personal walk, don’t be surprised if no life is produced. The Holy Spirit has a lot of work to do. If we try to tell Him how to go about that process, or limit His style and actions, He will not work in a controlled environment. I’m not saying He can’t. God’s Spirit can break down impossible barriers. I’m simply saying the Holy Spirit isn’t pushy. Don’t say “no” to Him when He comes.

If you feel sucked in by porn, lust, masturbation, bestiality, fornication, impure thoughts, resentful thoughts, shame, guilt, unforgiveness towards those who rejected you when they found out, victim related wounds, anger, jealousy, homosexual desires, etc. stop. There is hope!

[Let me just say, you don’t need Jesus because you’re gay or struggle with homosexual (same sex) attraction. You need Jesus because you’re a sinner. You don’t need Jesus because you’re straight and struggle with heterosexual (opposite sex) attraction. You need Jesus because you’re a sinner.]

Stop for a minute and close your eyes. I want you to know something.

There is no sin that can make God love you less. Your worth is not based on your performance; It is based on your identity. God made you. You are His child. How can His favor not be on you? Close your eyes and soak in the reality of His love. Let His favor deeply penetrate your Spirit. It is real. .

When you sin, you allow a separation to be put between you and God. (your Father) Sin is death, and God is life. Therefore, the separation is automatic.

His favor never left you. But that block (that your own sin brought) keeps you from experiencing it. Does that make sense?

The minute you cry to Him, He will always be there. He will always come to you. He will always restore you if you let Him. The block can be removed instantly. That connection can be restored instantly.

Just remember that even when you don’t feel it, God’s favor and unconditional love is there. Don’t let the enemy of fear and shame keep you handicapped.

Satan is a dog on a lease. He can only hurt you if you let him. Don’t let your agreements lead you to His devouring mouth. You are not worthless. You are not ugly. You are not disgusting and vile. You are God’s child. He accepts you. He redeems you. His favor is on your life. Speak the truth over your life, and see what happens!

Please don’t be sucked in by the lie that you have to fight porn addiction. It’s discouraging, and it’s heartbreaking. You can’t be healed by striving. You can’t overcome by striving.

I think we get used to the theory that overcoming sin is 90% effort and 10% God. Victory isn’t as much overcoming as it is receiving the gift of righteousness. Strong statement I know, but consider this: If we follow God’s commandments as a result of our love doesn’t that make victory over sin a symptom of our love for God? 🙂

Don’t freak out. But seriously let this one sink in. If you spend more time being enamored and consumed by God’s Presence and His love for you, you will overcome radically more than by any effort to overcome. Love is the greatest motivator. The lovers always accomplish more work than the workers. Try falling in love!

A sinner can’t fight his own sin and win. God already fought your battle, and all you have to do is claim His victory. And now you can WIN.

God won’t force solutions on you. HE IS THE SOLUTION. The more consumed you are with Him, the less you’ll find sin pulling you. The more addicted you are to His Presence, the more you’ll realize your sinful addiction is leaving you.

.Yes, I realize even unbelievers can overcome porn addiction by self-discipline, work, and dedication.

I’m also not saying God hasn’t used counseling or books or seminars to help people overcome sin addiction. I myself have benefited from all three at one time in my life. But don’t let anyone or anything replace the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to do miracles in problem areas of your life by Himself.

There is not a 3 step process to victory over sin, but if you receive Jesus as your only and ultimate “fix,” you will have miraculous power and joy during your deliverance and healing.”Fix” is hardly a fitting word. He is the Healer. Redeemer.

No, my answer is not to get rid of your internet, (unless you want or feel the need) go for counseling, start a 90 day abstinence plan, or try harder. What you really need is Jesus. Even if you come to Jesus out of fleshly motives, He won’t turn you away. He will take you in and love you.

Most of our victory comes from agreeing and receiving the finished work.

That said and taking in consideration all the ground we’ve covered tonight, this is my formula for victory. (not.) 🙂


My advice to you is to embrace your (God-given) sexuality, receive God’s favor, become enamored with the goodness of the character of God/His unconditional love, be wrecked by His Spirit, and accept the victory of Jesus Christ on your behalf.

Your decision towards the Holy Spirit’s power in your life will influence the tide of godly purity in your future generations.

There. That’s not so bad. You are well loved and liked on this blog. Don’t be scared to come back and visit. The healing and restoration God did in my life and in those around me is enough proof to me that this Jesus/Holy Spirit thing works! 🙂 And it is joy.

I love you, people. This is the end of PART 3.

Part 4 will focus on answers to sexual issues in regards to relationships. Sexual wounds don’t just effect you. They touch your spouse or significant other and children, whether you believe it or not. Part 4 will have words for husbands and men, and also I’m going to focus on the hearts of women and the healing and power available for any female, whether single or in a relationship.

Women can be free and happy even when their men are not…even when their men are unsatisfied and insensitive to their hearts. God is made to fill that hole of longing. He makes us powerful, complete, feminine beings.

No man can make us complete. Also, no woman can totally satisfy a man’s desires. We are gifts to each other. Not rights.

Getting ahead of myself. 🙂

Women are beings of influence and though not large in statue, they have the large ability, when tuned to the Spirit of the Lord, to turn the tide of generations, to change the course of the pendulum of sin and control, and wield the power of love with precision that destroys walls of indifference and pain in relationships. Love never fails.

Coming soon!

© Brenda Bender


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