I want to share an experience with God I had last night. This experience is in reference to a specific situation that I’m not free to share, but I will share what I can because I know God’s specific word is sometimes used more than once for different circumstances.
Some of the things I say might seem offensive to you, but I promise I have asked God to guide me in typing this down, because I want to portray the authentic experience, revelation, and emotions that came with the encounter without adding extra details or fleshy influences. I know that truth spoken at the wrong time does more damage than good. So I’m praying that those who may not know me well or maybe dislike me greatly because of difference in belief or lifestyles won’t be distracted by the fact that “Brenda” is telling this story. And if you are, know that Brenda is indeed a human and does indeed make mistakes. 🙂 But I know God does talk to me, and I talk to Him, so I feel very free to share this.
My Mr. Kanagy and I went grocery shopping to replenish our refrigerator Monday afternoon after my family left for their PA homes. We had an amazing weekend time with them in our little southern home, and I miss them so much!
Halfway through shopping, I starting feeling heavy inside. I felt tired and weak, and nausea started to hit me. I knew I was ravenously hungry, but any thought of food completely turned my stomach. I detest feeling nauseated; in those moments I want to die.
Back in the truck, Cabob offered to pick up some food for me, but I just wanted to go home. Th only thing I had hope of getting down to my stomach was part of a pear and maybe some water.
I hardly spoke on the way home, and Caleb was really worried. He tried to get me to tell him what was wrong, and I got a few words out, but I don’t exactly remember what I told him. I didn’t really know what was going on besides that I felt too awful to think too much about the “why.” It’s so hard for me to talk, think, and deal with a problem when I’m sick, no matter whether the cause is physical, emotional, or spiritual. The back of my mind briefly considered the possibility of a spiritual battle, but I didn’t entertain it much.
I think I said something like, “Baby, I just don’t feel like talking. I’m sorry, I just feel so sick. I think I’m being attacked for something.” The first thing that entered my mind after those words was a pressing decision/struggle that has been waiting for an answer/solution (both of us) for a few weeks. It involves a situation that I have felt completely hopeless about.
I rarely feel hopeless about a circumstance. In the midst of economic crisis, unstable government, people confessing big sins, being confided in about premarital pregnancies, talking with people about relational struggles, sexual bondage, and anger at God etc, I have never been without hope. Ever.God would be a liar if I spoke hopelessness into a situation.
When everyone around me is panicking and making dramatic, fearful proclamations, I’m usually the the one who is quiet for a while, then suddenly “stands up” and calmly tells everyone how immature their reactions are. I always say Jesus is the answer, and it silly to waste time giving Satan credit for his work on the earth when we can give God credit and open doors for His work on the earth.
No use giving our souls over to fear when fear is giving Satan permission to control our minds, which then prompts our actions, and actions become lifestyle. Faith is agreeing with what God sees in a situation, giving it water to grow into sight.
Anyways, like I said, hopelessness is not usually a problem for me, but with this one situation, I was plagued with it. (Regarding the decision I mentioned, because of the nature of the situation, I was wary of what comes if we say no, and also what comes if we say yes. I want to be obedient if God says yes or no though.)
We got home, and I drug myself inside to lie down. My sweet husband put the groceries away and put on some worship music. He brought me a pear, but I wanted to gag at the sight of it. He prayed for me and asked God to take away my nausea.
As he was holding me, and the music was playing, I started crying. Something powerful was coming over me, and I didn’t really like it, although I didn’t feel it was from Satan. Intense emotions washed over me in waves. There was strong pain in my heart, and also remorse, desperation,and grief.
As the tears started flowing, I started blubbering out what I was experiencing physically, emotionally, and seeing in the Spirit. “I don’t know what’s happening. I feel so sick. I feel these emotions as if I’m feeling someone else’s pain. I am so overwhelmed. There’s this huge burden on me. Of sin, I think. I feel the disgusting, awful weight of sin against God, and I also feel the emotions of God as He looks at that situation. I don’t feel God is angry at me, and this isn’t even about me, but I feel all these things so strongly. You know my position in the Kingdom rarely involves God being angry or me dwelling on sin. But I can’t shake this, and God is talking.”
I went on to tell him about the specific person/people/situation that these feelings were about. I was crying now. “God is so angry that He’s been removed from His rightful place and made an aspect instead of the focus. His identity has been twisted. They cheated on Him. They put themselves on the throne, and God feels the burden of their adultery. He has been crying, because they have turned their backs on Him for years. He has spared them grief, but now He is so angry, and he wont put up with it anymore.”
“Babe, I’m so overwhelmed. I love them, but this sin is so huge, and they don’t even know the truth. God is so mad he wants to punish them for their lack of repentance. If they knew they were hurting God, they would repent, but they don’t know they are wrong.”
“God doesn’t want to punish them, but He is holy, and His anger is kindled against them; He won’t stand idolatry forever.” I cried and blubbered.
As I felt the massive boulder of deep sin on me and also the overwhelming anger and holiness of God, I suddenly realized God didn’t give me this taste of the gravity of this sin and the holiness of His position for no reason.
God didn’t outright tell me “Ok, I want you to ask me to have mercy.” It was like He overwhelmed me with sickness, the burden of sin, and following emotions including His own, to see if I had the discernment to know His heart in all of it. He wanted to see if I knew what to do. Incredible. I got it.
My husband held my hand through the battle and blubbering and looked in my eyes, “God’s arms are outstretched. He says ‘Come to me.'”
This isn’t even my sin, I thought. But I care so much.
Man can’t be saved without repentance, and if only one person honors God as holy and begs for mercy, God hears. The Bible says when we turn to God, praise Him, and honor Him in His rightful position of authority and LORD, He is aroused as a mighty man of war to defend us and defeat our enemies. He is on our side!
My husband told me later that evening, after the dust settled, tears were dried, and battles won, “Man can change the heart of God. A entire nation was turned against God, and God was furious. He was going to carry out His plan of justice. But one holy man (Moses) cried out to God for forgiveness and mercy on behalf of a people that wouldn’t turn to God themselves.” God changed His mind!
He is Holy. But He is also merciful and full of kindness. If we reject Him, He will not force us, but He searches the land for anyone who will acknowledge His majesty. He will honor those who call on Him. And He WILL answer!
After it was revealed to me what was happening and the “whys” of my sickness and pain, I knew I had to do the same thing I do when I am personally sick and have sins. I couldn’t keep the burden. It was too much. So I ran to Jesus.
“Jesus, I am so sorry for the way you have been hurt and cheated on. A holy God doesn’t deserve to be rejected. I can’t handle this burden of sin. I know you don’t want to be angry, but you have to be. You’re righteous. But I know your heart and how you’ve been faithful to me when I cried to you, and I can’t give up hope that you feel the same about —– as you do about me. You died for them too. (Insert crying) Jesus, I run to you and I lay this burden at your feet and at the foot of the cross. I’m begging you to take it and have mercy on these people and forgive them for turning their backs on you for so long. Forgive them for serving other gods instead of You. I know that when repentance happens, restoration between you and man can happen. So I beg for forgiveness on their behalf, though they don’t know it. Forgive them, and turn your face to them again. Open wide their hearts to receive you, and blind the eyes of religion to let You in. Pour out your Spirit on ——. They don’t even have to understand what’s happening, but since you have forgiven them and your face can shine upon them again, wreck them with your love, the same way you did me.”
I laid the burden down. I rejoiced. I sighed with relief, and thanked Him for forgiveness and grace to cover the iniquity of grievances against Him.
(After all this was said and done, I realized I felt fine physically again. 🙂 )
Although you can’t choose to receive God for a person, through your humility, intercession, and reliance on Him, the Solution, you can open a door in the heavenlies to let God in on their behalf. That’s what I did. It was incredible.
I may never speak to that person/ people that I pressed into breakthrough for, but I believe and I have hope that God’s mercy is renewed towards them, and that is incredible. I have hope again. God cares, and we can turn His heart because He is kind.
Care enough about the people in bondage around you to intercede for their GOOD, instead of telling your friends about the bad. God sees the good in YOU.