My Smile is Broke

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~A loved man becomes wise in the ways of the Father. A wise man can silence his tongue and look the fool to protect love. Love is not always loud.

Right now my sweetheart of a husband is at home fixing my sewing machine for me, and I am sitting here in town, eyes welling with liquid trying to make sense of the turmoil that’s been churning in my heart today.

Just as a side note, I have a sweet man. And as another side note, classical music is like relieving tears washing the soul when the soul can’t cry by itself.

Sometimes the deepest pains are the ones that aren’t spilled out on Facebook. Maybe the deepest pain is the pain that can’t be spoken about. Maybe the strongest people are the ones who have experienced the deepest kind of pain you know nothing about. Maybe it involves too many people and it’s too complicated to cry in pain without giving a bad impression of others. Just a thought. 🙂

I hate when people consistently blow their painful drama all over Facebook, but can I just say I am struggling today? Of course I will try to graciously share my heart, but I just feel the need to speak.

Usually a day of nagging pain is short lived because the truth that I am loved and favored by a kind God overpowers the temporary feeling in a painful moment. But today I am just downright hurt. Too numb to cry. Feeling abandoned by God. Offended by Him.

I feel trapped into a reality where my pain can never be spoken of because I have hurt people deeply in my life. By living my life. By making choices they didn’t agree with. Making choices that somewhat removed them from my life. By doing what I felt was right. By choosing what and who I wanted in my future. If I were to admit the excruciating pain I feel of being put in the bad guy category in so many people’s stories, it would be misunderstood and pale in comparison to how I’ve been such a monster in their stories. I could say I’m sorry for a lifetime and still be completely misunderstood.

If I hurt someone by a choice I made, does it really eliminate the pain of the knife in my back as I walk away?

The choices we make do effect people. But that reality can’t control the quality of the choices we make. There are a lot of people I don’ understand or agree with in everything,  but I have huge respect for them. Maturity is a huge plus even if something else is a bit off.

I don’t regret making a lot of the choices I did. Some were bad, yet some have been so beautifully redeemed, it’s hard to imagine it any other way. Because He has brought so much blessing into my life through the very doorways that I closed Him out of. They are now altars where I am healed daily.

I rarely demand to understand why. I am usually ok with simply following without seeing the big picture. I trust God to be faithful. I really do. The thing is, right now, even if I saw the big picture, I think I’d still feel upset. Because I feel used. Perhaps used of God is a good thing, yes. We are His hands and feet. But that’s not what I mean. When I say used, I mean for no good reason. He could accomplish His purpose by Himself with less pain involved, right?

At the end of it all, my part in the symphony of His plan seems empty and pointless. His voice was so rich and full when I first turned my heart towards Him. At the end of the season, I was alone in the quiet. No applause. (Not that I was expecting any.) No one except the voices in my head.

Its not like there is turmoil on the outside anymore. He truly worked a marvelous tapestry of beauty from ashes. Even after the birth of new life and the breakthrough has long since happened though, the bruises seem to stay.

I am amazed at the work of God. I am amazed at His miracles for situations around me. Things I believed in for years, what I have cried over, and prayed for have happened and are happening. Yet although I am so happy and blessed to experience His favor in that way, I and others I see around me suffer with the pain of silence.

I have been immature. I have fought His fight when I should have let Him lead, but for some reason He then dropped me off the last chapter. That just ticks me off. Why was I even part of the picture if He could have done it without me? The credit wasn’t mine, but I don’t know if my love for Him even made a difference in the outcome. Honestly, my part in the big picture just seems like a failure.

I rarely think of the painful words and negative curses spoken into my life. I don’t believe them, and they certainly haven’t come true. It sure doesn’t mean it’s painless though.

Two of my major love languages are gifts and words of affirmation  Don’t get me wrong, Jesus has given me so much in this life. I am so blessed. I have health. I have strength. I have a lovely little house. I’m part of a wonderful family, albeit very lively with females. 🙂 I have a wonderful husband. I have seen God’s faithfulness and power bring beauty in all of those areas. I’m not worried about the outcome. He always works it out so well. But I feel as if God has taken more from me than He’s really given in the end. Good things. That sounds so selfish, I know. But the list of things hurting me at the moment feels a lot longer than the list of gifts. And I’m sure not hearing sweet nothings in my ear. 🙂

I want healing. I want more of God. I long for a complete stranger to walk up and tell me my worth in God’s eyes. I don’t know how some people live without the supernatural/prophetic in their lives by the way. I couldn’t survive without that favor towards my circumstances. I need Him every moment. Especially this moment. Even perfectly good desires can be frustrating sometimes.

Moving on from a closed chapter isn’t just the only choice, but it’s a preference. Let Go. Trust Him with the dices. It’s ok. But things really do continue moving whether I am in the world or not, I’ve discovered.

I want rain to fall on my worst enemies as well as myself. So I will be quiet and pray for rain.

Days like this, I look at a picture of my sisters and Mom and just start crying. (Current happening) I want my Mom. I’m not a little kid though, and it doesn’t work that way anymore. I wish one of my sisters lived in the south with me. I can’t just drive to my mom’s house or my sister’s house and crash on the couch. Two of my sisters are pregnant, and when I have more neices or nephews, I won’t see them often. What I really want is to have a hug from my Dad. I want to hear him say, “I love you.” I can hardly remember his voice anymore. I want him to meet my husband. I want him to meet my children. If only Heaven wasn’t so far.

Today was a little….. “blah.”
I hate sewing. My fingers scream in frustration with the intricate movements required. A simple mending job is enough to totally undo my calm. My coffee accidentally got spilt all over the carpet minutes after something went very wrong with my sewing machine. Yesterday, our house was infested with termites a few hours before dinner was served to my hubby’s parents and sister. The house is being sprayed tomorrow. No more roaches, spiders, and termites! A few days ago, milk leaked on the carpet of the car, and it reeks, despite scrubbing. I am currently inhaling rotten milk fumes. The hard drive on my laptop crashed months ago, and I haven’t made the time to see if my photos are recoverable. I want it back. God hasn’t miraculously fixed it, much to my frustration. Who has money for such annoying things? 🙂

Can you tell everything seems a little unfair right now?

I can’t wait for perfect circumstances to have joy. But when have my circumstances ever been perfect? Um. Never.

Tonight I’m just hurt beyond words that though His will is beautiful, my heart is cracked , and my smile is broke.

If someone is reading this and is making assumptions about who and what this post is about, please stop. I don’t have one particular situation in mind as I write this. It’s more a general heart cry from a number of different valleys I’ve walked through in the past four years. And when I say a number, I mean a number, because I’ve known a lot of shit in my short life, believe it or not.

This is ultimately between me and God. He is the only answer. When no one is trustworthy, He is always trustworthy. He is my Savior, and I can’t live without Him. I am just currently offended and feel rather abandoned by Him. Truth be told, I don’t understand. I don’t feel like I have a single bit of wisdom, discernment, or life in me at the moment. Hope seems like a distant silver lining. I want a freaking rainbow! 🙂

My prayer:

Echo the love once known back to my soul.

Awaken my heart, Lord. I want to be whole, again.

Breathe in me, make me new.

Yahweh, Yahweh, I’m nothing without You.

~

If you have any wisdom or encouragement or inspiration, feel free to share.

Don’t mind this post please. Just if you want to….pray for me maybe?

©Brenda Kanagy

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One thought on “My Smile is Broke

  1. Hey my friend….I don’t know that I have any profound words to say or even answers but I do know I can identify or at least as much as possible with my own set of circumstances which are different than yours but still feel quite painful. I too find myself at times really frustrated and angry even because it seems as if the heavens are a cold brassy ceiling and yes I too know from experience that God really is my All in all….I desperately need Him every day and He is faithful in answering my needs most times at least.. 🙂 but I confess there are times when I don’t understand why he doesn’t answer especially when it seems so clear from Scripture that he should..:-) so no, I don’t have any deep answers.. Only more questions.. But having just read through the book of Job and seeing a man that was perfect and upright in God’s eyes suffering for no apparent reason other than God wanted to prove a point to Satan and then in the end after Jobs friends only added to his distress, Job acknowledges that God is just and right and good… And that is where I too have to rest my case… And wait… And wait…. And soon.. Our eternal glorification!!

    Love you my friend.. And I will pray….

    Like

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