Written Thursday night:
I am so exhausted. I haven’t been working hard. I’ve just partied, shopped, stayed up too late, and not eaten on a regular schedule. It’s wedding time in this city! 🙂 My sis in law is getting married Saturday.
Ok, so tomorrow, the work actually starts.
Today and yesterday was party, party. Bachelor parties and bachelorette parties happening at the same time.
I didn’t grow up with any of the fine ladies at the party, and at first, inserting myself into a group of people I didn’t know well was a little frightening, especially because of past painful relationships, but, I must say, I was accepted to the max, and a lot of the time, I felt like an old friend.
I think I forget how I miss “girl stuff.”
Being with a group of girly girls again was an incredible experience. It seriously took me so long to get warmed up to the world of femininity again.
Of course, I’m feminine on a daily basis. 🙂 But I’m feminine on my own. I’m not used to having someone who identifies with curly hair dilemmas that I have, for example. I am used to “doing what I have to do” alone and never talking with other females about it.
In fact, I get so used to being around guys who are awesome, I find myself asking them if hair is too bright.
“Looks pretty cool to me.”
“Ok, cool. I like it too.” And life goes on. Guys are a whole lot less drama, praise the Lord. I am so thankful for guys.
My hubby is my best friend, and I tell him everything, even about hair and clothes. He thinks I’m the bomb, and he likes to hear me and give input. But I’ve grown out of touch with girl talk with girls who identify.
Suddenly, someone was commenting on my hair, asking me (ME) questions about my wedding, and laughing with me about a blonde moment. It felt foreign, but kind of like home.
I never had a lingerie party or even a bridal shower with people gathered in one place. I was ok with it at the time. People were scattered abroad, and it just wouldn’t have been practical. That, and at the time leading up to my wedding, it was a bit of a healing aftermath that followed painful seasons and times in my life. I honestly didn’t really have friends. Ok, yes, I had people I loved, but very few people that I trusted and could rely on anymore.
That tight knit group of besties that always had my back? Uh. No. That’s a big glob of mixed feelings.
But. I feel like God is bringing closure to lowered expectations and plastic friendships and leading me into a place of freedom through friendship with Him first and people second.
So although I feel like I missed out on a lot of things, I always end with the fact that, “If [insert bad thing] wouldn’t have happened, I never would have [insert good thing].
Running ahead of myself…
It is a special experience to be pampered and gifted. It was fun to watch the happiness and be a part of the laughter and excitement for one sister in law and my sister in law to be.
On the way home from shopping, I got a text that wasn’t exactly happy news. You know, that, honestly [bad thing] that can’t be good in any form. It began to scrape off scabs from ever healing wounds and tugged at growing tendrils of trust in my Father’s faithfulness and people’s ability to be like him.
Why do I have to suffer the same pain so many times?
I sat there wanting to cry, but I stayed quiet while car conversation changed from chit chat to deeper things.
First, of all it started with conversation on untactful, personal, dating/ engagement inquiries like, “Will you have children right away?”
Then I mentioned one that annoys the [beep] out of me. “Was this pregnancy planned?”
Seriously what does it matter?
In the car, there were at least three young women who’s father died some years ago. There are others who may have fathers, but memories or absence have left wounds that needed healing.
Fatherhood is life altering.
“Kids love their mom’s, but security comes more from the dad.” When he’s not there, a huge identity crisis develops.
Who am I? Where do I come from? Am I an accident? Does he not love me? Why is he not here? Am I unwanted? What did I do to deserve this? Is God punishing me?
And when children mature and gain understanding, confusion turns more to a hard ache, an empty hole.
I realize it’s going to be this way, but when I see other girls with their dads I realize what I’m missing. I know my value and identity lies in God, but it still hurts so bad. How will I ever feel complete again?
“We can’t say God isn’t good. We have no idea what he is protecting us from. The bad things that happen might be protection from worse things.” God is not a mean God.
“You look back and realize, if [insert bad thing] hadn’t happened, I would have never [insert good thing.]” Perspective comes in.
I feel that no matter how children are conceived, with whom, for what reason, or lack of reason, God has each child born and yet to be born written in his giant baby records book, and each name has a gold star with the words “carefully planned and highly favored” beside it. Humans might conceive and bear children, but God holds the key to the womb, and there is never an accident child.
We are adopted by Almighty God.
Evil entered the world by man’s choice, but grace and adoption came after a choice as well. His name is Jesus.
Although abusive situations break us, fathers are absent, death knocks, and hearts bleed, there is a gift greater than all the pain. I know it’s true. I’ve known excruciating, heart shredding pain, but I also know deep, saving, miraculous, healing grace.
We like if people understand us. It seems to open an inner doorway to let that person in to help us discover hope. Someone else knows the pain I feel. Maybe it will be ok.
“Know.” That little word with so much meaning. We know people. But in the Old Testament, “know” was the word used to describe the action before the babies. 😀
Check this. God knows us. That intimate, inside out, “I know what you’re feeling,” friendship love. And yes. Married love. Because God doesn’t just promise to care for our needs; (Provider, Salvation, etc.) He promises to be a Father, a Husband, and friend.
I want to know Him too.
What is more intimate than a PERFECT man who is able to fill all my needs, understand every emotion, heal every hurt, and bring me to my potential without a single mistake?
How can I go my whole life without knowing Him? I can’t. It would be like depriving myself of needed oxygen. We can go a while without breathing, but pretty soon, we die.
I choose air. Jesus.
He isn’t just air; He’s water. 🙂
“Come to me, all who thirst. Drink, and be satisfied.”
So in that car, I let grace wash my human heart. My mind thought on God’s grace to me, and I was able to look at others’ through the grace glasses. People are beautiful when you see them the way God sees them.
It’s been amazing, but after all the quality girl time, I am ready to have my husband back. Two nights alone is long enough.
~Have a incredible day, people. You are carefully planned and highly favored. Each one.