I’m in a weird season. A good season between me and Jesus, but a little lonely between me and the world. I feel it.
My blog and personal journal give me an outlet to express what I’m experiencing and learning, and it’s incredibly fulfilling writing for Him- giving it up as worship, but it’s kinda like being pregnant; everyone can see that you’re fat, but…that’s all they see. 🙂 The only ones who truly experience the full process are the ones who made the baby. Everyone else just gets the final season.
Full term mamas feel awkward, swollen, irritable, and beyond ready to meet their child and be normal again- at least a new normal. And if one more person stares in rude silence…
Sometime, niggly little lies come creeping in, making me second guess my value to Him, and especially my value to the world.
The thing is, blogging about my process comes with the risk of misunderstanding. Just because I know a truth doesn’t always mean I feel it. Sometimes writing is my faith- my declaration in the middle of pain. Just because I write about my process doesn’t mean I’m always ok or that everything is easy, simply because the words flow easy.
I don’t want applause. I just want to be valuable, to steward what I have, to be the very best me that He designed. But when the universe around me echoes the sound of loneliness, I hear the lier whisper, along with the creak of the world passing by. It’s worthless.
We all know living by the praises of men often results in death by their criticism, but sometimes Satan hits us with false humility to strip the value of our sacrifice in broad daylight, which in turn removes the attraction for the deployment of Heaven. In those moments, I am so thankful God has promises to never leave me and to never forsake me.
I was laying in bed wishing for a response from God. Anything to let me know that He sees my worship in secret.
A verse reference came to me. I don’t know what I expected. Sometimes the verse that comes to mind doesn’t exist or is completely irrelevant. “Absalom killed so and so,” for example.
I looked up the verse, and this is what it said:
Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. (Ecclesiastes 9:7 NIV)
God is so personal.
No matter my circumstance, no matter who sees beyond the surface of the fat, God has hold of me, and He won’t let me go. In that place, His approval is the only response that keeps me dancing the steps with Him. I don’t understand, but in dance, there’s always a Leader.
“By wisdom the Lord laid the earth’s foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the watery depths were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew. My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared.” (Proverbs 3:19-26)
Oh, He makes me come alive!