Thirty weeks ago, I didn’t know you existed yet, but it wouldn’t be long until you made yourself known. The little plus sign on a stick was the first official sign.
Your dad was a mess of tears and disbelief when I told him. He waited for this dream for a long time, and you are the one to make it come true. That evening he took off on a run that lasted almost five miles. He was gone so long after dark that I went looking for him. Apparently, he just couldn’t stop running. (Somebody was sore the next day.)
I can’t say that the weeks of sickness and utter exhaustion following were my favorite signs that you were healthy and growing, but looking back, it seems so small and distant compared to the giant belly I now carry with me everywhere I go. Somehow, I think pain and sacrifice make the gift that much sweeter, and I can’t wait to get that first peek into your eyes.
You remind me every day of God’s faithfulness. You were not unplanned by us, but you were still a pleasant surprise. Most of all, I know His plan is always better than my plan. You are part of that “better than I imagined” surprise. Whenever I see my growing middle, I know that God makes all things new.
Right now, you are three or more pounds and steadily putting on fat. Your dad wishes there was a little window in my stomach so he could watch you. I say that would be a little creepy. For now, we watch how you flip and roll and move my stomach from the outside. I feel your wiggles and jabs many times a day.
You’ve taken your ninja moves to my ribs lately. Sometimes you hit so hard it makes me jump, especially when I lie on my side at night. It’s pretty hard to get comfortable for sleeping, but that’s ok. I wake up in the morning greeted by softer flutters, and all is well.
I am doing my best to take care of myself for you. I know every healthy bite I eat, every supplement, every walk, every ounce of water makes you healthy and strong. I want you to have the best start I can give you. You’ve actually given me the extra motivation to feel better than I did pre-pregnancy in a lot of ways.
I can’t believe there’s a real human body growing inside of me. Sometimes I stop myself, shocked all over again at the miracle and privilege of being able to carry a soul and a spirit that God planned and designed an eternity ago. It makes me a little shaky inside.
Who are you? Who will you be? What is your name? You’re a tiny baby, but someday you will be grown and I won’t wonder anymore. Right now, you’re a little flower bud with DNA and a destiny that is waiting to be discovered and unfolded. I just happen to be your mom. I can’t wait to meet you.
Your dad is really protective of you. He might go overboard sometimes, but it’s only because he now has two ladies to take care of. Believe it or not, I think hormone changes aren’t just for moms when it comes to baby growing. Your dad might not have to deal with the physical toll of carrying a baby, but he sure contributes a lot to help carry you to term. You’re changing us, little girl.
Life will never be the same after you get here, but I know we will never wish to live another minute without you again. We love you, little girl. Grow well.
© Brenda Kanagy