TOXIC [part 1]

 When I anticipate a simple decision, I often mentally look around the room to see what others are doing or expect from me (whether true or assumed) in order to adjust. This is one of my current, greatest weaknesses. It’s pathetic, really.

What should I say, where should I go, what should I wear, what should I drink, how should I live? 

Basically: What can I do to please people- to avoid offense.

DO. DO. DO. 

There is a beautiful thing of being culturally sensitive and relevant, but most of the time, for me it boils down to fear. So much of my brain is still consumed with the fear of offending someone- of being wrong, of being abrasive.

I’m realizing how TOXIC it is to primarily take cues from people for my decisions, behavior, and thought process. 

For one: other people may not even be following God’s design for their own lives. That’s a pretty good sign that their voice shouldn’t be my guiding light.

For two: other people are not me, and other people are not living my story! One size does not fit all.

And for three: There is wisdom found in a multitude of counselors, but the psalmist wasn’t referring to the fear voices in my head.

God is the only one who made me. He knows all the intricate details of my past, present, and future. Godly counsellors have their purpose, but God is a perfect counselor, not to mention the only advocate who thought I was worth investing in and risking everything for. 

It’s been said, “An idol is anything you have to check with before you say ‘yes’ to God.” 

Hmm. I guess I shouldn’t be consulting fear.

If I base my “normal” off of what is around me, it generally means I’m settling for less than what I could experience. It’s not that I am better than others, because even exceptional humans I look up to are in process to greater things.  It’s just that I totally miss out on my potential and God’s extraordinary when I consult my comparison filter before consulting His thoughts and plans about me, my day, and my life. 

What little kid, when offered a gift, would look to his left or right to gauge his peers’ excitement in order to acclimate his own response? How rediculous. In the same way, it’s like I approach the throne of grace and look around to check what everyone else is doing first instead of RUNNING TO IT. 

I don’t want to be like that. I want ALL God has for me, and I want all God has for you. 

What have I been missing due to fearful caution? Caution isn’t wisdom by default. I’m up for change. Anyone else?

©Brenda Kanagy 

-I do not own the photo in this post.


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